Twenty years ago next Wednesday my father-in-law rang a steeple bell in a small church in rural Ohio. That bell began an hour-long worship service that included hymns, communion, and Heather and I vowing our commitment to each other “until we are parted by death.” In the intervening years I’ve recognized 4 important things about God and faith and how they’ve helped our marriage endure.
#1 – Heather and I have practiced a greater commitment to God than to each other.
It was a little disconcerting the first time I heard Heather say, “I’m committed to God more than to you.” She very reasonably explained that I could be pretty hard to love at times. She may have offered specific examples. In any case I could see her point. She went on to explain that someday I might even do something impossible to love. And on that day she promised that she would remember the commitment she made to God to have and to hold me for better and for worse as long as we both shall live.
Having just discovered I wasn’t the center of my wife’s universe, I gathered all the dignity and sarcasm my bruised ego could muster and replied something like, “Well, fine. I’ll love God more than you too, and we’ll see how much you like it.” Twenty years in, we’ve both had opportunities not just to like it but to need it.
#2 – When we are who God wants us to be as spouses, marriage is awesome
Genesis 2:18 describes God’s desire for the first wife, Eve, to be to Adam “a helper as his partner.” Ephesians 5:25 tells husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Both scriptures envision spouses as actively – even sacrificially in the case of the husband – supporting each other and enabling them to be and do things they couldn’t have alone.
It was just about one year into Heather’s and my marriage when I discerned God calling me into vocational ministry. Pursuing that call would change me in ways I couldn’t imagine at that point. It would make me a better man and a greater blessing to my family and others than I would have been otherwise. But in the short term, responding to that call would mean me leaving a lucrative career and both of us quitting our jobs, packing up everything we owned, and moving to a different part of the country for me to begin seminary.
I wouldn’t have entered the ministry if I had been single. It involved a lot of risk, and I don’t like risk. But I was married to a woman of faith, a helper and a partner. That newlywed woman said to me, “I believe God is calling you to do this, and I believe God is calling me to support you.” So we did it all – together. Heather has helped me be and do things I could have never done alone, and that is awesome. I hope maybe I’ve done a little of that for her too.
#3 – We’ve been lucky (maybe)
Over the years I’ve counseled spouses struggling in ways that Heather and I haven’t. On one hand we haven’t had these struggles, because we’ve been lucky. For example, before I proposed it never occurred to me that how two people make decisions can greatly increase or decrease marital struggles. With many people a “right” decision is the one that’s right relationally. It’s the right decision, because it builds and maintains the relationships of the people affected. For many others the right decision is the one that’s right rationally. It’s right, because it’s logical. I had never thought about how I evaluated the “rightness” of a decision before proposing to Heather, and I never wondered how she did it either. Luckily, we make decisions the same way. As a result even with tough decisions we’ve typically agreed on what would make the decision “right” and have avoided many struggles we might have otherwise had.
And yet, maybe it wasn’t luck primarily at play. Psalm 139 says that God has searched our thoughts and is acquainted with all our ways. God knew how we both approached decision-making. As Heather and I met, dated, and married, looking to God for guidance all along the way, maybe God deserves the credit for bringing together two decision-compatible people.
#4 – We’re just getting started
Near Heather’s and my 10th anniversary I bragged a bit on our accomplishment to an older couple in our church. They looked at each other and replied, “It’s a good start.” What did they mean, “a good start?” Yeah, I knew not to brag at 5 years, because many marriages make it that long but don’t endure. I even held off bragging at 7 years, because I heard about the “7 year itch” and didn’t want to get overconfident. But we had made it 10 years! Surely we had ironed out every relationship wrinkle and just had happily ever after to enjoy. “Rich, meet naiveté. Oh, never mind. I see you’re already acquainted.”
Our church community has mentored and encouraged Heather and me through the years of our marriage. I believe that wise couple was warning me not to take our relationship for granted. Divorced church members have shared painful memories of how things went wrong, how their actions contributed, and the lessons they’ve learned. And with great regularity the people of my church community have shared the things they appreciate about Heather and by doing so reminded me to be grateful too.
Happy anniversary, Heather. I love you.
In Christ,
Rich
Rev. Rich Rindfuss
Access Pastor
First United Methodist Church Richardson